I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
