I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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