running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
