he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
