Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
