I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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