its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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