I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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