When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
