i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
