The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
