Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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