Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
In other news, I just burned my penis
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
