Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
