yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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