From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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