I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
