doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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