Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i think i scared a bird with my dick
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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