Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
