I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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