I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
