she woke up with a sticky ear
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
and she was petting her beer can
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
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