I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
babies were throwing up all over the place
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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