You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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