bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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