Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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