All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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