I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i need an iv and a liver transplant
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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