Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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