Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
