It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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