i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
