im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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