so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
