he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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