Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
