Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
