What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
