The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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