i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
