I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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