i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
