Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
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