My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
