I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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