I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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