I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
