I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
