totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
