How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
