How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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