Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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