so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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